New Life Bearing World Discovered

by Aaron Davies


The interplanetary Khardesser Satellite has recently confirmed the existence of two new life-bearing worlds orbiting a medium sized star in the outskirts of the Viathan arm of the Milky Way galaxy.  While one seems only to have deep ocean proto-life, the second is a fascinating study and marks just the 23rd world found with technological life.  It's still too early to say how technologically advanced the life there is, but traces of iridium flashes in the planets outer atmosphere suggest a large network of artificial satellites orbiting the young world so they've at least reached the start of a spacefaring age.

Here, the new world is seen with it's relatively
enormous moon.

The dominant technological species on the planet seems to be far more linguistically diverse than in any species we've studied so far, alternately calling their planet tierra, terre, earth, aarde or 地球.  At least three dozen other local names have been identified and there may yet be more.  Intercepted radio transmissions suggest an unprecedented level of cultural diversity, perhaps due to the planet's unique geology.  The planet has a relatively low amount of vulcanism but extraordinarily active plate tectonics such that vast swaths of dry surface are constantly expanding and contracting amid vast oceans of liquid water.


While it's distance from the more populous regions of the galaxy diminish it's viability as a vacation option, some of the features of the new world might make it worth a visit.  It sits so close to it's star that only generation 7x star cruisers or above will be able to handle the stellar radiation so make sure you're properly equipped before planning your journey.  But if you're able to make it, you'll be in for some of the most spectacular auroras and star sets in the known galaxy.  The world also has a moon that is enormous in comparison to the planet itself and is at present perfectly stationed in orbit to allow for a full eclipse of the parent star several times per planetary orbit (about 208 galactic standard days).


The world itself is small but because of it's proximity to the star (ViaDR101-64a if you want to find it on your map) nearly the entire surface is habitable.  It's relative density is such that it has about the same amount of gravity as Oribon-3 or the Pharthen moons.  It has a dense and extremely flammable atmosphere (so no using nuclear propulsion in your landing vessel!) that creates star sets comparable to those seen on Thiadees before its atmosphere was lost.  The star sets will be most impressive, of course, if you are from a species with a red shifted optical spectrum.  And don't worry about the timing; the planet rotates fully every 4.3 galactic standard hours!


Many of you might be wondering how a planet so close to its star could manage to hold viable life long enough to reach the technological epoch and if so, you're not the only ones scratching your heads.  Many of the galaxies leading scientists are hard at work answering that very question.  We know that the planet has a massive magnetosphere that likely protects the surface from stellar radiation (and provides breath-taking auroras that you'll never forget!) and the existence of several gas giants in the outer orbits of the system likely lessen the likelihood of large-body impacts.  That being said, the heat on the planet's surface and the volatility of an atmosphere with such radical (and constant) temperature fluctuations still seem prohibitive to the orderly development of life.  We can only speculate at this point, but with so much surface water this planet probably sees it's fair share of massive and destructive storms.

If you decide to take a trip out there, bring your climate controlled suits, as the average surface temperature is a balmy 311 degrees (galactic scale).  And if you're wondering how life survives at such high temperatures, don't worry, you're not alone!  Several new scientific expeditions are already on their way to answer this question and many more.  In fact, so little is known about this world that you can likely get partial reimbursement for your vacation if you agree to collect a few samples and anally probe some of the local species.

Early indications are that the life forms are DNA based (another mystery given the proximity to the star) and likely have extremely short life spans.  The atmosphere is mostly made up of Nitrogen and Oxygen so Orhtinians and Vorticules should be able to breath there without assistance, but given the likely abundance of microbial life, a ventilator is highly recommended, regardless of how up to date your vascular nanobots are.

Along the way, be sure to look for the beautiful ring system around the system's 7th planet (and look for the bright ice-moon close to that planet for the system's other life-bearing world).  If you're coming from the center of the galaxy, you'll also pass through some gorgeous nebulae along the way.  Don't forget to take plenty of pictures and remember, you're as ugly to the locals as they are to you!

Should there be 10 Best Picture Nominees?

For an 11-year period between 1933 and 1943, the Academy honored 10 nominees each year in the coveted “Best Picture” category.  This list was cut in half beginning in ’44 and remained so until last year when they unexpectedly announced that they would once again inflate the principle group to a list of 10.

The reasons were obvious.  Viewership of their annual award ceremony had been steadily declining for years and but for an odd spike here or there those numbers had been moving in the wrong direction for two decades.  By expanding the Best Picture list they were more than doubling the chances that a random potential viewer would be a big fan of one of the nominees.

I say “more than” doubled because as anyone who follows the Oscars know, it is only a rare year in which the most popular film with audiences is also the most popular with critics and academy types.  In 2008 The Dark Knight probably had more fans than Slumdog Millionaire, There Will be Blood, Milk, Frost/Nixon and the 6-hour Brad Pitt Movie combined.  Batman’s exclusion from any significant award category doubtless cost the televised broadcast a huge percentage of potential eyeballs.

The solution is practical if not elegant.  By expanding the list to 10, they are able include the populist crap that people have actually seen.  They still don’t stand a snowball’s chance of winning but you can’t know for sure until you’ve watched all the way to the end of their long, dry, witless presentation.

If you’d asked me this time last year (or had I been blogging this time last year since you didn’t exactly ask me this time), I’d have told you I disagreed with the decision.  Usually, artistic decisions that are made to make the masses happy are bad ones and the slate of nominees for 2009 supported this trend.  The point was to find a way to include pin-head-plot movies like Avatar, which probably wouldn’t have made it on the list of five.  But they didn’t just expand to 6.  They had to find 4 more movies to force fit in.

This left nonsense like District 9, Up and The Blind Side standing side by side with works of art the likes of Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker  and Precious.  It seemed to me that while they may succeed at expanding their potential audience, they did so by diluting the very meaning of being a “Best Picture Nominee”.  What did that claim really mean if they were also willing to give it to Avatar?  I mean, the picture that was fun, granted, but also felt at times like a two-hour dramatic segue between two levels in a video game.

And Up?  I’ll allow that it was a heart-warming movie with surprisingly human underpinnings, but Best Picture?  And District 9?!  This is the kind of decision that justifies the existence of the interrobang.  A Serious Man was alright, but it still seemed like a stretch.  It was as though the academy members were desperately reaching for something to fill the slot and someone uttered “Coen Brothers do anything this year?”

I was quite vociferous in my opposition to this move leading up to the ceremonies.  Some attempted to allay my fears that the Oscars were turning into the Golden Globes by pointing out that it wasn’t as though something like District 9 or Avatar was actually going to win.  Heck, they don’t even let good science fiction like 2001 and Blade Runner win Best Picture awards.  As long as the winner is a deserving film, they would argue, what does it matter if a few crappy flicks are left on the pile?

This offered only a shred of comfort, as I am reminded that there are plenty of legendary films whose only real acclaim was to be nominated for this prestigious award.  Raging Bull, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Maltese Falcon, Shawshank Redemption, The Pride of the Yankees, 12 Angry Men, Apocalypse Now and Citizen-freaking-Kane are now being categorized alongside District 9 and Up in the Air.

So I swallowed back my trepidation and I watched the presentations.  They were funnier than they’d been in a decade or more and here and there the right people won the right award.  As we’d all predicted, none of the “by popular demand” movies won Best Picture and they finally got around to giving a Best Director Oscar to somebody without a penis.  All in all the good outweighed the bad.  I still disagreed with the decision, but it certainly hadn’t altered the alignment of the planets or caused a wormhole to open.

Now fast forward to 2011.  The list of nominees is curiously lacking an “Avatar”.  Sure, Inception is there to fill the populist role, but that was actually a really good movie with some challenging originality and a brilliant script.  It probably would have made the short list of 5 nominees.

In addition to that, there are three legitimate contenders to win.  True Grit, The King’s Speech and Black Swan are all deserving titles according to the reviewers in the know.  Toy Story 3 is clearly one that would not have made the cut 2 years ago, but it was still a spectacularly fun movie that is more deserving of the recognition than the token cartoon movie of a year ago.

Social Network was a surprisingly engaging and memorable movie and likely would have been left off of a five-nominee list.  The same might be true of The Fighter and 127 Hours.  While I doubt that any of these movies have a chance of winning the award, the nominations have often been used quite adeptly to draw attention to fine films that were largely overlooked in theaters.  This is a worthwhile goal and one that probably would not have been possible this year without the expanded field.

I’m perfectly willing to admit it when I’m wrong and I was vocally and consistently incorrect on this one.  The first year they did it was somewhat bumbling but few things go smoothly right out of the gate.  The fact is that Hollywood simply didn’t have time to catch up with the Academy.  This year they knew that there would be 10 Best Picture nominees so the major studios actually made more good movies.

Now, before I hang too large a point on that premise, I should admit that there have always been fluctuations in the overall quality of films from year to year.  There are good years when movies like Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption and Quiz Show all lose and there are bad years when Crash takes best picture.  It’s hard to draw a conclusion from a sample size of two, but I think the plethora of quality and cerebral movies this year is a strong indicator that increasing the list just made Hollywood work harder.

Consider that it is commonplace for a studio to hold a film until the following year is there is a similar film in contention for Best Picture.  The execs tend to know when they have a seriously good movie in their hands and they take care to release it late in the year so that it will still be fresh on Academy voters’ minds when it comes time to pick the winner.

By allowing so many more nominees it takes a lot of the pressure off of these studios to hold on to a brilliant movie until it has weaker Oscar competition.  It also forces the studios to include a larger swath of artistic films amidst their typical drivel.  If 2010 was any indicator, one can expect to see a general increase in quality pictures as Hollywood gets used to the larger list of nominees.

Now if we could only find a way to get them to bring Billy Crystal back to host it…

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

7 Reasons Teenage Girls Shouldn't Date Vampires

Judging by the thrust of contemporary literature the nation is undergoing a radical and potentially dangerous social change.  The rising pervasiveness of American teenagers dating vampires has not been considered worthy of coverage in the mainstream media.  By drawing attention to it I risk being labeled a Nasfaratist, but I think it’s important that we’re able to look at the real world consequences of America’s daughters dating these accursed, bloodthirsty abominations.

I urge you to pass this useful list along to any teenage girls that you fear might be in danger of succumbing to the courtship of the damned.  You may be the only thing that stands between her and the undead.

And to all those teenagers in trouble that this list has been forwarded to, I urge you to read through these items with an open mind.  I know that vampires are all the rage at the moment and their mysterious ways can be alluring, but it is vital that you understand the potential dangers that you face.

 #1) They’re F@#& ing Vampires 

If I told you about an antelope friend of mine that was dating a lion, you would probably predict trouble down the road.  Movies, TV shows and books that make Denny’s menus look like literature will have you believing that vampires are sexy.  They often portray the vampire as the victim, robbed of their mercy and cursed to take human life and drink blood.

Now, I’m not a vampire so I can’t say that stereotype isn’t true.  I know that once in a blue moon I spare a thought for the poor weasel that gave his life so that I could get my McNuggets, but that doesn’t stop me from eating them.  I’m sure there is a vampire equivalent of a vegetarian, one hyper sensitive that really doesn’t like killing people, but that would be more like dating a vegetarian than dating a vampire.

Teenage girls already have enough things to worry about on a first date.  Being desanguinated shouldn’t have to be one of them.

 #2) They're Usually Racists 

Remember that just because a vampire looks to be the same age as you, odds are that they are older than your grandparents.  I think that we can all agree that old people have a tendency to get stuck in their ways and the ways of a hundred or more years ago were pretty darned racist.

Despite how inherently bigoted this statement sounds, I think it is safe to say that most vampires are racist on a deep level.  Despite the changes of the society around them, their relative isolation would probably shield them from the greater impetus that led to our more liberal modern views on ethnicity.

It’s important to note that vampires come from all over the world as well.  Odds are good that they will be racist in ways that don’t make sense to you at all.  The result is that you are hit with the double whammy of embarrassment.  At the same time that you’re slinking away from his bigoted tirade your also left wondering how the hell he knew that guy was Armenian.

 #3) Late Afternoon Life is Under Rated 

People are always talking about the nightlife.  I’m not going to try to convince anyone that clubs, raves, parties and bars aren’t fun but I think we all know that they can’t form the backbone of a serious long-term relationship.

Sure, you can take your vampire boyfriend to the movies, but can you take him to the beach?  Do you like picnics?  Hope you don’t mind hiking in moonlight.  Do you like amusement parks?  Hope you don’t mind enjoying them two hours at a time.  Do you like to take trips with your lover?  Hope you understand that the TSA frowns on checking coffins as baggage.

 #4) Vampires are Bums 

I should preempt the charges of Draculism by allowing that I don’t blame vampires for their chronic unemployment.  It’s hard to get a job when you explode in sunlight and don’t have proper ID.  Anything that requires a college education beyond DeVry is pretty much out of the question as is any job that requires a blood test of new employees.

Vampires have a lower cost of living than humans but they still have expenses.  Rent isn’t cheaper just because you don’t use the house in the daytime.  That’s assuming that your new vampire boyfriend isn’t homeless or living in a crypt, of course.  New clothes, utilities, dental work… the money has to come from somewhere and your new boyfriend is probably hitting his glass ceiling on overnight drive through.

#5) Vampires are Just Looking for One Thing

Not to put this indelicately, but if a vampire isn’t after you to suck your blood, there’s only one other thing that could be on his mind.  He’s probably at least a century old and not to insult your maturity girls, but there’s nothing coming out of your mouth that he hasn’t heard before.  You’re not providing him any meaningful companionship because it’s impossible that either of you share significant common interests.

This isn’t anything wrong with you and it isn’t anything wrong with him.  It’s the same reason that you don’t see twenty-year-old women marrying seventy-year-old men unless they’re really wealthy.  They just don’t have anything in common.

So if the vampire isn’t looking for companionship and he isn’t looking for sustenance, just ask yourself what he is looking for and act accordingly.

 #6) All His Friends Would be Emo 

You’ve probably already noticed that when you date somebody you end up spending an awful lot of time with their friends.  It’s almost like you’re dating the friends as well.  Now, if this is true of humans, it is all the more so true of vampires.  Odds are that most of the time you spend together will be the time that your friends usually spend sleeping.  This means that if you’re hanging out with friends it will most often be his friends.

And what kind of friends do vampires have?  Other vampires, goth chicks and emo kids.  Now, I’m not going to disparage emo kids because I couldn’t possibly do a better job of it than they do themselves, but ask yourself how much time you want to spend hanging out with people that cut themselves recreationally and perpetually look down.

And of course, that’s assuming that his friends aren’t vampires that lack the critical affection that he has for you and eat you.

 #7) You’re Going to Break Up Eventually 

The whole reason that we date is to get to know somebody and see if we want to spend more of our time with them.  It’s like an extended job interview for companionship.  We all go into relationships knowing that they’re probably not going to end with a “happily ever after” and but for the aforementioned emo kids, we accept that.

But I’m sure most girls know that there are some boyfriends who just don’t get the message when things are over.  All too many girls are familiar with the clingy, obsessive ex-boyfriend who actively ignores the vigorous hints and restraining orders you send out to tell him that the relationship is over.

Now imagine that he’s a bloodsucking vampire.

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

PS No penguins were harmed in the writing of this blog.  I pretty much beat the crap out of every other species you can think of.

The Shocking Fates of Beloved Cartoon Mascots

Mine may have been the first truly homogenous generation, though it represented a trend that had been underway for decades before.  We all grew up eating at the same restaurants, playing with the same toys, watching the same programs and eating the same neon sugar cereals.  So multitudinous are our cultural icons that Seth McFarlane has made a career out of randomly referencing them.

Hey look, it's that town everybody from the 80s, 90s or the
2000s grew up in... except with mountains.

Among the more memorable figures in the generational collective of my youth were the cartoon characters that interrupted other cartoon characters to remind us to brush our teeth, entice us to beg our parents for more stuff or remind us which cereal stays crunchy in milk.  I speak, of course, of the cartoon mascots.

Many are exemplary members of the cartoon community.  Charlie the Tuna is personally credited with saving the lives of millions of dolphins by tasting better than dolphin.  The owl from the old Tootsie Roll Commercials went on to do ground breaking works in nano-engineering.  The Toilet Duck is a noted philanthropist and courageously swam several stranded people to safety during Hurricane Katrina.

But there are some cartoon mascots that have followed the darker road, hapless victims to the pitfalls of their fame.  These are their stories…

 #1) The Noid 

Spoiler Alert: He's no more mentally stable than he looks.

After a short lived and forgettable career on Broadway, the Noid followed a traveling show west and earned a paltry living showing off his freakishly elongated ears.  He described this as the lowest point in his life and was rarely seen without a bottle clutched to his chest.

After more than a year of what friends described as “suicidal alcoholism” he caught a break.  He wandered into an audition thinking it was a bar and when the casting agent refused to give him a beer on credit he became irate and threw one of history’s most successful temper tantrums.

The casting agent loved his energy as did the representative from Domino’s Pizza that was present that afternoon.  Since he clearly lacked the sobriety necessary to realize he’d just been given a high paying job, his new agent was careful to write the pertinent information in reverse on his forehead.

What followed was more than a decade of troubled success.  His drinking persisted despite his newfound fortune and fame and, like many famous people from Detroit, he eventually got busted with enough cocaine to, as the arresting officer put it, “speed up the rotation of the earth”.

His lawyer unsuccessfully challenged the alleged street value of the contraband by arguing that he didn’t make the delivery in 30 minutes and thus it was free.  The judge dismissed the motion and eventually the Noid pled guilty and was sentenced to 13 years in prison.  He will be up for parole in 2016

 #2) Boo Berry 

Boo Berry spent much of his career far from the spotlight often lost in the shadow of tabloid favorites Count Chocula and Frankenberry.  His relative translucence did not aid in his quest for fame nor did the fact that Boo Berry cereal pretty much just sucks.

Is it just me or could he totally be the
ghost of Buster Keaton?  Porkpie hat,
deadpan expression... think about it...

Publicly he joked about his relative anonymity but friends reported that he was deeply angered by the way that the press overlooked him.  This frustration, common amongst ghosts, became an increasing part of his private life until it all but consumed him.  The cartoon world was rocked when allegations arose that he tried to hire a hit man to take out Chocula but those reports were later retracted when a grand jury declined to indict.

Eventually Boo Berry would marry and this seemed to largely tame him.  He grew complacent with his position in the trio and even began spending some of his time working in homeless shelters and lending his celebrity to a number of causes.  As Frank and the Count’s philandering ways fell out of favor with the press Boo Berry’s image became all the more sparkling in contrast.

That image would come crashing down in a single rendezvous with a lovely young Parisian ghost who performed a risqué act under the pseudonym “Misty”.  Boo likely would have escaped from the affair unscathed had it not been for an unfortunate taping of the program Ghost Hunters, which caught the two together in a haunted house in Northeastern New Hampshire.

 #3) Joe Camel 

I know, I know, you know about the cancer.  And how could you not?  As a shill for the RJ Reynolds Company for more than ten years, Joe Camel consistently smoked as many as eight packs of cigarettes a day.  Despite his unrivalled success, even the best medical coverage money can buy could not save him from the inevitable.

But it is the strange turn that his life took after the terminal diagnosis that makes his story so worth telling.  In 1997 RJ Reynolds was ordered to drop him from their advertising since cartoons appeal to children and teenagers.  In the spirit of the ruling, RJ Reynolds switched to a much less youth-oriented advertising theme that included retro swirls of bright colors and “collector” packages since grown ups like to collect stuff so much.

Joe rightly felt used by the corporation that had given him cancer and rather than suffer in silent rage, he fought back against the company that he represented.  He organized a number of rallies and testified about the dangers of second hand smoke in front of cartoon-congress (like real congress with less expletives and more anvils).

Before his death, his path would take a more sinister turn and when he eventually gave in to his impending fate he did so in a prison awaiting trial for charges of environmental terrorism.  While no conviction ever came, he was strongly suspected in a number of ELF activities including a string of SUV bombing in Idaho between 2004 and 2005.

He was buried in his hometown of Enid, Oklahoma.  His tombstone reads, “Here lies Joe.  Six feet under and cooler than ever.”

 #4) The 7-Up Cool Spot 

Proof that someone was once paid to say "How
about a little red dot with shades?"

Few mascots have ever achieved the echelon of fame and notoriety that Cool Spot reached.  In only a few commercials this charismatic circle wowed the world and wooed the women with a wink and a winning smile.  Within a few months Cool Spot had secured parts in the ads for his entire entourage and 7-Up happily paid the exorbitant salaries Cool Spot demanded without complaint.

Cool Spot truly was a marvel of the advertising world.  Long after everybody had given up on the California Raisin “anything is cool if it’s wearing sunglasses” advertising paradigm, 7-Up took a chance on an underweight farm boy with slick moves and an innocent look.  The results were astounding. 

Before long Cool Spot merchandise was outselling the beverage he peddled.  He starred in countless commercials and even had his own video game series.  His live shows drew audiences in the tens of thousands.  He became the hero of damn near anything with a circumference.  But as anyone who has ever watched a biographical film about anyone who did anything knows, what goes up must come down.  Preferably in the third act and in such a way as to garner the lead actor an Oscar nod.

Cool Spot expertly navigated many of the hazards of the rock star life.  He was a notorious womanizer but even many of his more public conquests spoke well of him long after they separated.  His public escapades with Madonna got a lot of play in the tabloids but nothing rose to the level of a real scandal.

In 1997 Cool Spot shocked the world by refusing to renew his 7-Up contract citing artistic differences.  He foresaw a future beyond television commercials and convinced himself that he could achieve fame in the movies.

He was applauded in his ’98 debut as the beeper light in the Coen Brother’s Big Lebowski, but he found little work over the next few years.  He began slowly gaining weight and losing his 360-degree figure and Hollywood had little use for ovals.  Critics lambasted his portrayal of Arnold Shwarzenegger’s robotic eye in Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines, characterizing his performance as flamboyant and self-indulgent.

In 2004 he gave up on his film career altogether and returned to the world of advertising once more.  He was far too big to go back to his role as the 7-Up spot but it 2005 his rotund figure and willingness to have the word “easy” tattooed across his chest landed him a successful job with Staples that he continues to this day.

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

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What Year is it Again?

This afternoon I was listening to my favorite podcast, The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe, when I heard something that bugged me.  As I sat thoroughly engulfed in the hybrid of intellect and irreverence that typifies the program, co-host and intrepid skeptical rogue Rebecca Watson mentioned something that I had encountered on a few blogs in the past week.  This was not the first time I’d heard it nor was it the first time that it bothered me.

I should begin by saying (in case this blog shows up in the Google alert she has on her name) that I adore Rebecca Watson and would normally speak no ill of her, but if I didn't amplify idiosyncratic irritants to absurd levels I would have no material for this blog at all.

The exchange that irked me today involved the consensus pronunciation of the present year.  The conversation in question began when unrealistically knowledgeable host and Dr. Steven Novella referred to this annual cycle as “Two thousand eleven.”  Rebecca took tongue in cheek exception to that phrasing and did so with the preamble “Not to be pedantic, but…”

Before delving into the details of the objection, I should take a moment to point out that it is an immutable law of conversation that the words "not to be pedantic but" can only be followed by an extraordinarily pedantic statement.  In fact, the word pedantic is somewhat pedantic by itself.

But the fact that the word pedantic is pedantic is just one of the pet peeves that I file away with the persistence of the word ‘utilize’ in a language that already has ‘use’.  It was the statement that followed, which echoed many others I’ve seen across the blogosphere that irritated me.

“This has been discussed and the internet has decided that its ‘twenty eleven’, not ‘two thousand eleven’”, Rebecca said, or more accurately, I paraphrased rather than taking the forty-six seconds I would need to replay and transcribe the exchange verbatim.

This was not my first encounter with this particular linguistic rift.  A quick Googling of “twenty eleven or two thousand eleven” will connect you with dozens of heated blog exchanges on the same subject.  Based on brief and lackluster research, the majority online view seems to be in the “twenty eleven” camp and they make a strong logical case for their position.  Their preferred articulation saves the speaker a full syllable and is more keeping with tradition.  After all, nobody outside a medieval proclamation or papal bull ever referred to the year as “one thousand some hundred and something”.

Despite the preponderance of logic being allied against them, there are staunch supporters on the “two thousand eleven” side of the rampart as well.  While their argument stems more from an aesthetic viewpoint, they also point out that the tradition thus far in the millennium is to leave the two thousand in.  They also emphasize the fact that legendary director Stanley Kubrik already decided on this when he did "2010" and reportedly felt that 'twenty ten' sounded stupid.

While this battle continues to rage from one mother’s basement to another, the rest of us carry on largely calling the year “two thousand eleven”.  I will be the first to confess its unscientific nature, but in an informal poll of every single person I encountered today when I asked what year it was, they called it “two thousand eleven”.  Admittedly, this came after a long pause while they tried to decide whether I was setting them up for a joke or had been sent back to kill John Conner.

And this is why the whole kerfuffle digs its way so deep under my hypersensitive cultural skin.  Any attempt to impose sanity on the English language is a direct rebellion against everything that our language stands for.  Sure, it makes more logical sense to call it 'twenty eleven', but since when does logic dictate language?  English proudly displays its slapdash and indiscriminate irrationality.  Let me point to exhibit A, the fact that inflammable, indecent and interior can’t agree on the meaning of their shared prefix.  In fact, it is this internal inconsistency that gives nit-picking speakers like myself so many great opportunities for pedantry.

Language is a living thing and thus it is subject to the same random mutations and pressures of natural selection as any other organism.  Evolution does not organize us in a manner that is sensible, but rather in a manner that is minimally effective.  Despite the best efforts of dictionaries, logophiles and red-pen wielding English teachers, culture always finds a way to mold the dialect in whatever muddled direction it chooses.  Those doctrinaire stalwarts who stand against the anarchic tsunami of colloquial preference are doomed to drown as soon as they open their mouths to point out that data is plural.

So to those who would say that we should call it “twenty eleven” because that’s quicker, I ask why we don’t call it “twenty one-one” and save one more syllable?  To those who would point out that we already accepted breaking the year up into two double-digit numbers and did so without incident for a thousand years, I remind them that for the vast majority of that time we were also illiterate and only bathed biannually.

Clearly it doesn't matter how one chooses to pronounce the year.  Both phrasings are equally valid and if anyone tries to 'correct' me, I'll start referring to the year in binary (00001011111).  It is futile to pretend that logic can be imposed on our temporal nomenclature, especially while we're still using the Gregorian Calendar.

I expect that this debate will continue with its sub-auditory background buzz of irate nerdiness until the year 2020 when it will be universally accepted that “twenty-twenty” sounds cooler than “two thousand twenty”.  Until then I foresee the popular preference remaining too ambiguous to pin down.

In a sense, it seems like a premature battle to begin with.  We still haven’t collectively decided what we’re calling the previous decade.  Somebody needs to do that quickly too, because I’m already getting sick of referring to the music of the last ten years as the “aught sound”.

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

PS The eight weeks after Christmas are utterly insane in the toy industry and as my income is derived from said industry I’ve been unable to regularly update my blog so far this year.  I apologize to my regular readers for the infrequency of my updates and I assure you all that by late February the insanity will start to attenuate and I can be back on here to perpetuate my unique brand of exasperated verbosity more often.

The 10 Most Quotable Movies Of All Time*

*That were in English

Brevity is said to be the soul of wit, though in the modern day quoting a famous movie is an acceptable substitute.  While the dry and predictable rehashing of classic lines of cinema rarely has humor value in and of itself, it has become standard fair to ignore this fact and treat movie quotes as though they represent novel jokes.  (It should be noted that a well-placed quote dropped into a drunken conversation at precisely the right moment to infer an immoral and physically challenging sexual act is a glaring exception to the rule stated above.)

Despite the increasing popularity of randomly presenting movie quotes in lieu of conversation, few have made any real effort to master this art.  A properly timed and well-placed movie quote can be the height of wit or the lowest failure of humor.  The first step to mastering the art of quoting is to familiarize oneself with a few of Hollywood’s ripest selections for broadly applicable witticisms.

 #10) Dazed & Confused 

Released in: 1993

Directed By: Richard Linklater

Quoted by: People slightly too old for Kevin Smith movies.

Best Quote: “That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Amongst alternatively medicated people with sub-clinical glaucoma, college dorms.

This early nineties exploration of the late seventies helped to launch the careers of sub par actors Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck.  The film was largely a plotless meandering through all the various clichés of a coming of age movie.  Strangely, Linklater’s willingness to abandon the burden of story actually worked, allowing the film to truly evoke the feeling of a random night out with friends.

 #9) Animal House 

Released in: 1978

Directed by: John Landis

Quoted by: People slightly too old for Dazed & Confused.

Best Quote: “Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger, the boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Among people who used to own a Beta-Max, college dorms.

Animal House is a film with charming simplicity that hides the genre-defining skeleton underneath it quite well.  There aren’t many scenes in the movie that can be pointed to that demonstrate its unforgettable nature.  However, if you take it as a whole the movie captures an audience in a unique way that directors like Linklater and the Farrelly Brothers have made a career out of trying to recapture.

There is a simple majesty about Animal House that almost transcends sheer puerilism, but Landis is careful never to take the movie too seriously.  I can’t help but imagine that he was as surprised as anyone when he set out to make a 109 minute fart joke and accidentally made a work of art. 

 #8) Pulp Fiction 

Released in: 1994

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

Quoted by: White people who like talking like Samuel L. Jackson.

Best Quote: “I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?”

The echoing effect of Tarantino’s masterpiece can be felt in several genres of film.  The movie serves as a tutorial on the creative use of chronology.  It teases the viewer hours of unseen back-story every time a new element is introduced.  It is peopled with unforgettable characters and unpredictable plot twists.

Despite the forward thinking technical elements of the movie, it is the dialogue that makes Pulp Fiction truly unforgettable.  Tarantino imbues his lines with a certain poetic reality that is exemplified by his brilliant eye for casting.  The more religious among us might be rightly disturbed by the percentage of the populace whose only real knowledge of the bible comes from Jules Winfield’s recitation of Ezekiel 25:17.

 #7) Caddy Shack 

Released in: 1980

Directed by: Harold Ramis

Quoted by: People who comprehend just how bad the present cast of Saturday Night Live is.

Best Quote: “You’re a lot of woman, you know that?  Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?”

Honorable Mention for Best Quote: “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: In any barroom where competition is taking place, college dorms.

Lest I allow this blog to become nothing more than a list of the defining moments in sophomoric humor, I submit Caddy Shack as the last movie in that genre that will appear on this inventory.  This film is considered by many to be the best thing that ever came of putting a bunch of really funny people together with a loose script. 

I’ve already spent too many adjectives trying to make Animal House seem like a cinematic masterpiece so I won’t further abase my credibility by doing the same for Caddy Shack.  No movie that contains a turd-in-the-pool joke should be presented as a high water mark.  That being said, Caddy Shack is still a movie where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  The comic genius of Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Bill Murray lend the movie a sense of timelessness and ensure that inspired discourse like “Gunga, gunga, lagunga” will live in perpetuity.

 #6) Jaws 

Released in: 1975

Directed by: Steven Something-or-Another

Quoted by: People who are going to need a bigger boat.

Best Quote: “Duh-nuh.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: On beaches ad nauseam, college dorms.

Jaws is often called the first summer blockbuster and there is little doubt that it forced Hollywood to question the long held assumptions about what the public wanted from their movies.  In many ways it set down a formula that is still in wide use to this day.

While Jaws only offers a few popular quotes, the sheer longevity of the films appeal earns it a high spot on this list.  Those of us who grew up with Jaws were largely aware of the quotes long before we saw the film.  The memorable nature of the lines is even more impressive when one considers that the script was largely being written as they filmed.

 #5) The Princess Bride 

Released in: 1987

Directed by: Rob Reiner

Quoted by: People engaged in anything resembling swordplay.

Best Quote: “Hello, my name Is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Renaissance fairs, college dorms.

This fairy tale classic has a tendency to sneak into a high position on just about every “best of” list I assemble for films.  Perhaps the only thing that wasn’t monumental or unforgettable about this movie is the soundtrack, though interestingly the soundtrack was the only element that caught the attention of the academy come Oscar time.

The script is an almost nonstop list of clever conversations and unforgettable utterances.  From Westley and Inigo’s swordplay banter to Fezzik’s impromptu rhymes to any of a half-dozen spectacular cameos, the Princess Bride is all but the definition of a quotable movie. 

 #4) Wizard of Oz 

Released in: 1939 if you can believe that.

Directed by: Victor Fleming, et al.

Quoted by: Fans of Wizard of Oz.

Best Quote: “I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Where you least expect it, college dorms.

The Wizard of Oz is arguably the most enduring work of art ever captured on celluloid.  The continuing popularity it finds in television rebroadcasts and the persistent urban legends about it lining up with various rock albums are a real testament to the visceral appeal of Baum’s allegorical masterwork.

Wizard of Oz earns its place on this list through the force of sheer ubiquity.  It is one of the few works that can be quoted in virtually any English speaking audience without losing anyone.  One can reasonably assume that a person who responds to “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” with a blank stare is at least partially lobotomized.

 #3) The Big Lebowski 

Released in: 1998

Directed by: Joel and Ethan Coen

Quoted by: Those of the utmost taste and sophistication

Best Quote: “The Dude abides.”

Honorable Mention for Best Quote: Every other line in the movie

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Wherever recognition of truly transcendent art is appreciated.

The Big Lebowski may be the current king of the cult following.  There are annual conventions all over the country where fans get together and spend entire weekends quoting excerpts from this film-noir classic.

The product of a pair of writer/directors who churn out works of genius more regularly than I change my oil, The Big Lebowski could almost get lost among their impressive filmography.  As good as the Coen brothers are at writing and directing, perhaps their most impressive skill is in casting and this is never clearer in any of their works than it is in The Big Lebowski.

The force of character present in even the bit roles in this film makes every minute memorable. John Turturro’s Jesus, Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Brandt, Buscemi’s seldom heard Donnie and David Huddleston’s Big Lebowski form the base of a pyramid atop which John Goodman sits in his career defining role.

 #2) Casablanca 

Released in: 1942

Directed by: Michael Curtiz

Quoted by: People who have never seen Casablanca.

Best Quote: “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Among people too snobbish to quote the other movies on my list, college dorms.

While this list is certainly guilty of ignoring the vast swath of filmmaking from the dawn of the art form to my birth, no such list could claim credibility if it excluded Casablanca.  Some might think me guilty of trying to force-fit some refinement into a list of otherwise juvenile cinema and I suppose I’m not prepared to deny that entirely.

There is a solid case to be made for Casablanca’s inclusion as the second or even first movie on my list.  Timeless lines like “We’ll always have Paris”, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world…”, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, “Kiss me as if it were the last time”, “Round up the usual suspects” and “Play it again, Sam” (which is never actually uttered in the movie) are so omnipresent that even people who could not identify their source could probably recite them.

 #1) Monty Python and the Holy Grail 

Released in: 1975

Directed by: Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones

Quoted by: Virtually everyone who saw it.

Best Quote: Click Here

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Anywhere they allow geeks, college dorms.

No other movie could justifiably sit above this one in the pantheon of quotability.  A single well placed Holy Grail quote can easily cascade into hours of teary-eyed laughter as every scene in the movie is slowly revisited.  In preparation for this blog I presented the question of history’s most quotable movie on a number of Q&A sites and in every instance the consensus eventually swung to the Monty Python team’s magnum opus.

There are no lines in this movie that can’t be quoted for a laugh.  It is almost impossible to recall a single scene without quotes from a half dozen other scenes sneaking into the conversation.  Those unfortunate souls who neglected to watch this movie might find themselves lost among a sea of “I’m invincible!”, “At least let me go back and spank the peril”, “She turned me into a newt”, “Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?” , “I feel happy!” and “Message for you, sir”. 

Bolstering the unrivaled comic irreverence captured by this legendary ensemble is the fact that things are just funnier in British accents.  If you doubt that I urge you to reread this blog in your best Cockney. 

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

PS You almost forgot to post this blog on your Facebook page and share it with all your friends!  Good thing I reminded you.