|It probably looked like this, except in black and white|
|This one already thought you|
were kinda slow.
|If I called this a hexapus, you'd call me an idiot|
|"I know, we could call it a purple!"|
Alright, so do Saturday and Sunday and while we’re fixing one we might as well fix the other, but the whole Tuesday/Thursday thing comes up all the time. It is this discrepancy that leaves college administrators the world over abbreviating Thursday with an R. Really? We’re going with the 4th letter here? Could we not just use the H? Thursday, after all, is the only day with an H, while Friday and Saturday both have Rs.
But of course, why change the abbreviation when we could just change the names of the days? Nothing against Thor or Odin (though I do have issues with Frigg... she knows what she did), but if we just renamed the days they could all start with different letters. Heck, we could even make them alphabetical. And we could finally stop those pretentious folks who pronounce Wednesday phonetically.
This would be fun anyway. We could name the days after presidents, influential world figures, Star Wars characters… we could even do it American Idol style with people text voting for their favorites. Sure, this might leave us with day names like “Squeeze Cheese” or “Vaseline Sandwich”, but think of the ratings!
|This dork picking the names of our days. What could go wrong?|
#3) 12 months, 8 starting letters?
|What the heck is this guy doing |
in our calander anyway?
Okay, so this is an extension of my issues with the day names and it doesn’t cause quite as many problems, but it is still indicative of laziness. With the exception of the fact that the name JASON appears as you abbreviate the months, there is no valid reason for sticking with this system. How hard would it be to come up with 12 new month names that each used different letters? Heck, we could use a different letter for each day and each month without any overlap. We would still have 7 spare letters.
While we’re at it, they might as well be alphabetized as well. Have you ever tried to name the months alphabetically? It’s really hard. Seriously, try it. I’ll wait.
#4) The seasons don’t start with the months
Why not? Why can’t we just line up the months with the equinoxes? Must we start our seasons on the 20th and 21st? This oversight has caused us to create terms like “Meteorological Winter” as opposed to “Astronomical Winter”. The definition of the former is, essentially “It’s like regular winter except it makes sense.”
|You know it's bad when you're baffling the guy who reads this for a living|
|Contrary to popular belief, this is actually |
the longest day of the year.
|Like this guys needed any help forgetting what year it was...|
#6) You need a poem to keep track of which months have how many days.
What the heck is the point of that, anyway? Let’s pretend that there was no way to create a calendar that didn’t have 1 28-day month, 4 30-day months and 7 31-day months. That isn’t true but for the sake of argument, let’s suppose that it is. Why the hell wouldn’t you just put all the 31 day months together? Why not lead off with the short month and then get all the 30 day months out of the way?
It doesn’t exactly rhyme, but “30 days hath everything from February to May” is a lot easier to remember. But no, instead we opt for a system that has a counting on our knuckles like a bunch of fingerless kindergartners.
|On the downside, this would eliminate|
the only remaining function of poetry.
#7) You need a graphing calculator to figure out which day a date will fall on.
Imagine you met somebody who could instantly tell you what day a given date would fall on. You would say “June 11th 2024” and he would say “Tuesday” (except he would get it right). You’d be pretty impressed, right? There are people like this out there. We call them “geniuses”.
Seriously, have you ever seen the formula for figuring this out? It’s called Zeller’s Rule and it looks like this:
f = k + [(13*m-1)/5] + D + [D/4] + [C/4] - 2*C.
• k is the day of the month.
• m is the month number. (Note that in this formula March is considered 1, February 12… shouldn’t this be a red flag that this is way too complicated?)
• C stands for century, or the first two digits of the year.
|"Yeah... definitely calculate the |
proper remainder... divide by 7 and
find the greatest multiple of 7 less
than -17... definitely"
This formula is often expressed with the following abbreviated mathematical notation:
#8) There aren’t enough months
A solid case can be made for having twelve months. Twelve is a number that is easily divided into thirds or quarters of halves and seems a compelling argument if your job includes any kind of bookkeeping. But if you’re a bookkeeper, you probably already know that our present year can’t be divided in halves, thirds or quarters because of the odd-ball, wackaloon number of days in each month.
There is a pretty easy solution to this. Thirteen months with twenty-eight days in each gives you a 364 day year. You simply add one day that doesn’t fall in a month (or, if that’s too wacky for you, we can just have one 29 day month at the end of the year) and BAM, problem solved. Not only does this make the year infinitely more divisible, but it has the added benefit of days always falling on the same dates. Under this system, the 9th of every month might be a Tuesday. This replaces the clumsy, lengthy Zeller’s rule with the slightly easier Davies rule which looks like this:
Seems like a step in the right direction, eh? We could just as easily say that this extra day doesn’t count in the week and then the 9th would always be Tuesday and Reverend Zeller could fade into historical obscurity (with a pretty healthy head-start I should think).
|You didn't even know this wasn't|
him, did you?
That problem is easily solvable as well. If you let the days of the week advance normally then each year the dates would move back by one (except on leap years, which kind of suck to begin with). This means that once every eight years you would get at least one birthday on each day of the week.
There are other problems that this would solve as well. For people who pay bills (here’s looking at you human race), this would mean that the days between your paycheck and the due date on your Snuggie payment would always be the same. For those with monthly deductions coming out of biweekly checks you could stop feeling stupid twice a year.
Clearly, there is work to be done. We have to come up with a few new day names (we don’t have to call any of them Aaronday, though that would be thoughtful), a few new month names (we don’t have to call any of the Aarontember, though it would be nice) and a name for the new calendar itself (we don’t have to call it the Daviesian calendar, though it seems the least you could do). But all of this work will be worthwhile in no time. Accounting would be easier, computer programming would be easier, scheduling would be easier and you would get a bonus cute puppy picture (or exploited woman) in every calendar you bought.
Send this to all your friends. Find somebody more popular than you and send it to all of their friends too. It took more than three centuries to switch over to the Gregorian calendar and we don’t have that much time. We must start immediately… the robots are coming.