Should there be 10 Best Picture Nominees?

For an 11-year period between 1933 and 1943, the Academy honored 10 nominees each year in the coveted “Best Picture” category.  This list was cut in half beginning in ’44 and remained so until last year when they unexpectedly announced that they would once again inflate the principle group to a list of 10.

The reasons were obvious.  Viewership of their annual award ceremony had been steadily declining for years and but for an odd spike here or there those numbers had been moving in the wrong direction for two decades.  By expanding the Best Picture list they were more than doubling the chances that a random potential viewer would be a big fan of one of the nominees.

I say “more than” doubled because as anyone who follows the Oscars know, it is only a rare year in which the most popular film with audiences is also the most popular with critics and academy types.  In 2008 The Dark Knight probably had more fans than Slumdog Millionaire, There Will be Blood, Milk, Frost/Nixon and the 6-hour Brad Pitt Movie combined.  Batman’s exclusion from any significant award category doubtless cost the televised broadcast a huge percentage of potential eyeballs.

The solution is practical if not elegant.  By expanding the list to 10, they are able include the populist crap that people have actually seen.  They still don’t stand a snowball’s chance of winning but you can’t know for sure until you’ve watched all the way to the end of their long, dry, witless presentation.

If you’d asked me this time last year (or had I been blogging this time last year since you didn’t exactly ask me this time), I’d have told you I disagreed with the decision.  Usually, artistic decisions that are made to make the masses happy are bad ones and the slate of nominees for 2009 supported this trend.  The point was to find a way to include pin-head-plot movies like Avatar, which probably wouldn’t have made it on the list of five.  But they didn’t just expand to 6.  They had to find 4 more movies to force fit in.

This left nonsense like District 9, Up and The Blind Side standing side by side with works of art the likes of Inglorious Basterds, Hurt Locker  and Precious.  It seemed to me that while they may succeed at expanding their potential audience, they did so by diluting the very meaning of being a “Best Picture Nominee”.  What did that claim really mean if they were also willing to give it to Avatar?  I mean, the picture that was fun, granted, but also felt at times like a two-hour dramatic segue between two levels in a video game.

And Up?  I’ll allow that it was a heart-warming movie with surprisingly human underpinnings, but Best Picture?  And District 9?!  This is the kind of decision that justifies the existence of the interrobang.  A Serious Man was alright, but it still seemed like a stretch.  It was as though the academy members were desperately reaching for something to fill the slot and someone uttered “Coen Brothers do anything this year?”

I was quite vociferous in my opposition to this move leading up to the ceremonies.  Some attempted to allay my fears that the Oscars were turning into the Golden Globes by pointing out that it wasn’t as though something like District 9 or Avatar was actually going to win.  Heck, they don’t even let good science fiction like 2001 and Blade Runner win Best Picture awards.  As long as the winner is a deserving film, they would argue, what does it matter if a few crappy flicks are left on the pile?

This offered only a shred of comfort, as I am reminded that there are plenty of legendary films whose only real acclaim was to be nominated for this prestigious award.  Raging Bull, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Maltese Falcon, Shawshank Redemption, The Pride of the Yankees, 12 Angry Men, Apocalypse Now and Citizen-freaking-Kane are now being categorized alongside District 9 and Up in the Air.

So I swallowed back my trepidation and I watched the presentations.  They were funnier than they’d been in a decade or more and here and there the right people won the right award.  As we’d all predicted, none of the “by popular demand” movies won Best Picture and they finally got around to giving a Best Director Oscar to somebody without a penis.  All in all the good outweighed the bad.  I still disagreed with the decision, but it certainly hadn’t altered the alignment of the planets or caused a wormhole to open.

Now fast forward to 2011.  The list of nominees is curiously lacking an “Avatar”.  Sure, Inception is there to fill the populist role, but that was actually a really good movie with some challenging originality and a brilliant script.  It probably would have made the short list of 5 nominees.

In addition to that, there are three legitimate contenders to win.  True Grit, The King’s Speech and Black Swan are all deserving titles according to the reviewers in the know.  Toy Story 3 is clearly one that would not have made the cut 2 years ago, but it was still a spectacularly fun movie that is more deserving of the recognition than the token cartoon movie of a year ago.

Social Network was a surprisingly engaging and memorable movie and likely would have been left off of a five-nominee list.  The same might be true of The Fighter and 127 Hours.  While I doubt that any of these movies have a chance of winning the award, the nominations have often been used quite adeptly to draw attention to fine films that were largely overlooked in theaters.  This is a worthwhile goal and one that probably would not have been possible this year without the expanded field.

I’m perfectly willing to admit it when I’m wrong and I was vocally and consistently incorrect on this one.  The first year they did it was somewhat bumbling but few things go smoothly right out of the gate.  The fact is that Hollywood simply didn’t have time to catch up with the Academy.  This year they knew that there would be 10 Best Picture nominees so the major studios actually made more good movies.

Now, before I hang too large a point on that premise, I should admit that there have always been fluctuations in the overall quality of films from year to year.  There are good years when movies like Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption and Quiz Show all lose and there are bad years when Crash takes best picture.  It’s hard to draw a conclusion from a sample size of two, but I think the plethora of quality and cerebral movies this year is a strong indicator that increasing the list just made Hollywood work harder.

Consider that it is commonplace for a studio to hold a film until the following year is there is a similar film in contention for Best Picture.  The execs tend to know when they have a seriously good movie in their hands and they take care to release it late in the year so that it will still be fresh on Academy voters’ minds when it comes time to pick the winner.

By allowing so many more nominees it takes a lot of the pressure off of these studios to hold on to a brilliant movie until it has weaker Oscar competition.  It also forces the studios to include a larger swath of artistic films amidst their typical drivel.  If 2010 was any indicator, one can expect to see a general increase in quality pictures as Hollywood gets used to the larger list of nominees.

Now if we could only find a way to get them to bring Billy Crystal back to host it…

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

The 10 Most Quotable Movies Of All Time*

*That were in English

Brevity is said to be the soul of wit, though in the modern day quoting a famous movie is an acceptable substitute.  While the dry and predictable rehashing of classic lines of cinema rarely has humor value in and of itself, it has become standard fair to ignore this fact and treat movie quotes as though they represent novel jokes.  (It should be noted that a well-placed quote dropped into a drunken conversation at precisely the right moment to infer an immoral and physically challenging sexual act is a glaring exception to the rule stated above.)

Despite the increasing popularity of randomly presenting movie quotes in lieu of conversation, few have made any real effort to master this art.  A properly timed and well-placed movie quote can be the height of wit or the lowest failure of humor.  The first step to mastering the art of quoting is to familiarize oneself with a few of Hollywood’s ripest selections for broadly applicable witticisms.

 #10) Dazed & Confused 

Released in: 1993

Directed By: Richard Linklater

Quoted by: People slightly too old for Kevin Smith movies.

Best Quote: “That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Amongst alternatively medicated people with sub-clinical glaucoma, college dorms.

This early nineties exploration of the late seventies helped to launch the careers of sub par actors Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck.  The film was largely a plotless meandering through all the various clichés of a coming of age movie.  Strangely, Linklater’s willingness to abandon the burden of story actually worked, allowing the film to truly evoke the feeling of a random night out with friends.

 #9) Animal House 

Released in: 1978

Directed by: John Landis

Quoted by: People slightly too old for Dazed & Confused.

Best Quote: “Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger, the boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Among people who used to own a Beta-Max, college dorms.

Animal House is a film with charming simplicity that hides the genre-defining skeleton underneath it quite well.  There aren’t many scenes in the movie that can be pointed to that demonstrate its unforgettable nature.  However, if you take it as a whole the movie captures an audience in a unique way that directors like Linklater and the Farrelly Brothers have made a career out of trying to recapture.

There is a simple majesty about Animal House that almost transcends sheer puerilism, but Landis is careful never to take the movie too seriously.  I can’t help but imagine that he was as surprised as anyone when he set out to make a 109 minute fart joke and accidentally made a work of art. 

 #8) Pulp Fiction 

Released in: 1994

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

Quoted by: White people who like talking like Samuel L. Jackson.

Best Quote: “I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?”

The echoing effect of Tarantino’s masterpiece can be felt in several genres of film.  The movie serves as a tutorial on the creative use of chronology.  It teases the viewer hours of unseen back-story every time a new element is introduced.  It is peopled with unforgettable characters and unpredictable plot twists.

Despite the forward thinking technical elements of the movie, it is the dialogue that makes Pulp Fiction truly unforgettable.  Tarantino imbues his lines with a certain poetic reality that is exemplified by his brilliant eye for casting.  The more religious among us might be rightly disturbed by the percentage of the populace whose only real knowledge of the bible comes from Jules Winfield’s recitation of Ezekiel 25:17.

 #7) Caddy Shack 

Released in: 1980

Directed by: Harold Ramis

Quoted by: People who comprehend just how bad the present cast of Saturday Night Live is.

Best Quote: “You’re a lot of woman, you know that?  Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?”

Honorable Mention for Best Quote: “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: In any barroom where competition is taking place, college dorms.

Lest I allow this blog to become nothing more than a list of the defining moments in sophomoric humor, I submit Caddy Shack as the last movie in that genre that will appear on this inventory.  This film is considered by many to be the best thing that ever came of putting a bunch of really funny people together with a loose script. 

I’ve already spent too many adjectives trying to make Animal House seem like a cinematic masterpiece so I won’t further abase my credibility by doing the same for Caddy Shack.  No movie that contains a turd-in-the-pool joke should be presented as a high water mark.  That being said, Caddy Shack is still a movie where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  The comic genius of Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and Bill Murray lend the movie a sense of timelessness and ensure that inspired discourse like “Gunga, gunga, lagunga” will live in perpetuity.

 #6) Jaws 

Released in: 1975

Directed by: Steven Something-or-Another

Quoted by: People who are going to need a bigger boat.

Best Quote: “Duh-nuh.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: On beaches ad nauseam, college dorms.

Jaws is often called the first summer blockbuster and there is little doubt that it forced Hollywood to question the long held assumptions about what the public wanted from their movies.  In many ways it set down a formula that is still in wide use to this day.

While Jaws only offers a few popular quotes, the sheer longevity of the films appeal earns it a high spot on this list.  Those of us who grew up with Jaws were largely aware of the quotes long before we saw the film.  The memorable nature of the lines is even more impressive when one considers that the script was largely being written as they filmed.

 #5) The Princess Bride 

Released in: 1987

Directed by: Rob Reiner

Quoted by: People engaged in anything resembling swordplay.

Best Quote: “Hello, my name Is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Renaissance fairs, college dorms.

This fairy tale classic has a tendency to sneak into a high position on just about every “best of” list I assemble for films.  Perhaps the only thing that wasn’t monumental or unforgettable about this movie is the soundtrack, though interestingly the soundtrack was the only element that caught the attention of the academy come Oscar time.

The script is an almost nonstop list of clever conversations and unforgettable utterances.  From Westley and Inigo’s swordplay banter to Fezzik’s impromptu rhymes to any of a half-dozen spectacular cameos, the Princess Bride is all but the definition of a quotable movie. 

 #4) Wizard of Oz 

Released in: 1939 if you can believe that.

Directed by: Victor Fleming, et al.

Quoted by: Fans of Wizard of Oz.

Best Quote: “I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Where you least expect it, college dorms.

The Wizard of Oz is arguably the most enduring work of art ever captured on celluloid.  The continuing popularity it finds in television rebroadcasts and the persistent urban legends about it lining up with various rock albums are a real testament to the visceral appeal of Baum’s allegorical masterwork.

Wizard of Oz earns its place on this list through the force of sheer ubiquity.  It is one of the few works that can be quoted in virtually any English speaking audience without losing anyone.  One can reasonably assume that a person who responds to “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” with a blank stare is at least partially lobotomized.

 #3) The Big Lebowski 

Released in: 1998

Directed by: Joel and Ethan Coen

Quoted by: Those of the utmost taste and sophistication

Best Quote: “The Dude abides.”

Honorable Mention for Best Quote: Every other line in the movie

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Wherever recognition of truly transcendent art is appreciated.

The Big Lebowski may be the current king of the cult following.  There are annual conventions all over the country where fans get together and spend entire weekends quoting excerpts from this film-noir classic.

The product of a pair of writer/directors who churn out works of genius more regularly than I change my oil, The Big Lebowski could almost get lost among their impressive filmography.  As good as the Coen brothers are at writing and directing, perhaps their most impressive skill is in casting and this is never clearer in any of their works than it is in The Big Lebowski.

The force of character present in even the bit roles in this film makes every minute memorable. John Turturro’s Jesus, Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Brandt, Buscemi’s seldom heard Donnie and David Huddleston’s Big Lebowski form the base of a pyramid atop which John Goodman sits in his career defining role.

 #2) Casablanca 

Released in: 1942

Directed by: Michael Curtiz

Quoted by: People who have never seen Casablanca.

Best Quote: “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Among people too snobbish to quote the other movies on my list, college dorms.

While this list is certainly guilty of ignoring the vast swath of filmmaking from the dawn of the art form to my birth, no such list could claim credibility if it excluded Casablanca.  Some might think me guilty of trying to force-fit some refinement into a list of otherwise juvenile cinema and I suppose I’m not prepared to deny that entirely.

There is a solid case to be made for Casablanca’s inclusion as the second or even first movie on my list.  Timeless lines like “We’ll always have Paris”, “Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world…”, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, “Kiss me as if it were the last time”, “Round up the usual suspects” and “Play it again, Sam” (which is never actually uttered in the movie) are so omnipresent that even people who could not identify their source could probably recite them.

 #1) Monty Python and the Holy Grail 

Released in: 1975

Directed by: Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones

Quoted by: Virtually everyone who saw it.

Best Quote: Click Here

Where You’ll Hear it Quoted: Anywhere they allow geeks, college dorms.

No other movie could justifiably sit above this one in the pantheon of quotability.  A single well placed Holy Grail quote can easily cascade into hours of teary-eyed laughter as every scene in the movie is slowly revisited.  In preparation for this blog I presented the question of history’s most quotable movie on a number of Q&A sites and in every instance the consensus eventually swung to the Monty Python team’s magnum opus.

There are no lines in this movie that can’t be quoted for a laugh.  It is almost impossible to recall a single scene without quotes from a half dozen other scenes sneaking into the conversation.  Those unfortunate souls who neglected to watch this movie might find themselves lost among a sea of “I’m invincible!”, “At least let me go back and spank the peril”, “She turned me into a newt”, “Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?” , “I feel happy!” and “Message for you, sir”. 

Bolstering the unrivaled comic irreverence captured by this legendary ensemble is the fact that things are just funnier in British accents.  If you doubt that I urge you to reread this blog in your best Cockney. 

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com

PS You almost forgot to post this blog on your Facebook page and share it with all your friends!  Good thing I reminded you.

8 Ways Tron:Legacy Could Have Been Worse

In the same weekend I witnessed what might have been the high point and the low point of Jeff Bridges' career.  The Coen Brothers masterpiece "True Grit" was as praise worthy as a film could be and represented the uppermost echelon of the Western genre of film.  The day-glo headache "Tron: Legacy" was a two hour exercise in replacing plot, acting, script and dialogue with chincy neon graphics and brain-pounding 3D effects.

The film was awful in every way that a film can be awful.  It was boring, it went on too long, it was peopled with irritating charcaters portrayed by terrible actors, the plot was ham-handed and dull, the progression was predictable and innane, the occasional attempts at humor were ridiculous and dry and the finale was cliche and anticlimactic.  Even an actor as versatile and talented as Jeff Bridges could not hope to save this clunker of a film. 

In fact, it left one wondering if a crappier movie could have been created.  Of course, as Hollywood has been pointing out for decades, there may be a highest rung of cinematic excellence, but there is no lowest rung.  In order to aid the film-industry in insuring that an even less entertaining film can be made in the future, I submit the following ways that one could go about making a movie that is even less enjoyable in 2011.

 #1) It could have been longer

As bad as Tron:Legacy was, it did eventually come to an end.  By the time the "plot" was wrapped up, the audience had been begging for the closing credits for the better part of an hour.  Blissfully we eventually reached them and when we did it was like crossing the finish line at a barefooted arctic marathon.

But films that are too long tend to get exponentially worse as they drag out.  It is entirely possible that another fifteen minutes of dialouge that would have embarassed George Lucas might have made the movie twice as bad.

 #2) A pet could have saved the day

As bad as the movie was, at least they didn't force us to suffer through any talking animals.  The main character did have a dog and while that elelment never actually had any significance in the movie, the finale could have been even more disappointing if that mutt had shown up in the end in full-on neon Tron clothes to laser disc battle the bad guy.

 #3) They could have added a wacky neighbor

The screen writers for the film were clearly unqualified to write fortune cookie prognostications but at least they left a few terrible cliches on the table.  The addition of a few late seventies sit-com staples such as a laugh track, a wacky neighbor and a "I guess we really learned something today" moral might have allowed the film to descend further into drudgery.

 #4) Adam Sandler could have been in it

There is no movie that could not be made worse by adding Adam Sandler.  Even Adam Sandler movies could be worse by simply adding more Adam Sandler scenes.  Thus the makers of Tron: Legacy could easily have robbed the film of the inkling of entertainment value it had by simply adding some more terrible actors.

 #5) The dialouge could have been delivered in the style of a late 80s rap

One of the few things more painful than Tron: Legacy is listening to white people try to rap.  Since the movie was as caucasion as a square dance we certainly would have enjoyed it less if Jeff Bridges had busted out with:

 "I'm a user and my name is Flynn...
  When I'm on a light cycle I always win."

 #6) There could have been a Bali-wood style dance number at the end

Actually, the more that I think about this, it really would have been an improvement.  A chorus line of orange and blue clad Tron characters busting out in a big musical number would have been the high point of the movie.

 #7) They could stab you in the eye repeatedly through the movie

While the terrible 3D graphics were very much like getting stabbed in the eye, an actual physical injury is one of the few things that would have made me enjoy this movie less.  Staples in the groin, a seat full of broken glass or rabid ferrets loose in the theater all would have made the movie less enjoyable.

 #8) It could have been Clash of the Titans

In truth, as bad as Tron: Legacy was, it was not the worst film of the year and it probably isn't even the worst movie in theaters right now.  Hollywood has learned that if a film can be attached to nostalgia it need not be good.  If you just made a movie about four mercenaries it would have to be at least moderately entertaining to get produced... unless, of course, one had already secured the title "A-Team" for that movie.

I'm sure Hollywood has something even worse in store for us in 2011.  If the Smurfs movie doesn't do it we can still hold out hope for the third installment of Michael Bay's Transformer series.  The bar can always swing lower.

Aaron Davies
http://www.blognoscor.blogspot.com/

PS I'm off vacation on Thursday and should be able to return to a normal blogging schedule then.  Thanks for bearing with me through this week.  I apologize if my haphazzard postings have forced you into doing your own griping and complaining.  I will be back on the job soon.

The 10 Best Fight Scenes in Movies*

*That I’ve seen.  

Fight scenes might well represent the fastest evolving element of popular film.  The rubber swords and slapstick duels of the silent era begat the gunfights and bar brawls of the later generation.  These rambunctious cowboys gave rise to the wire-riding samurai and their American equivalent (repetitious right hooks to the chin).

Okay, so it's a left hook... sue me.

In the modern era of film the fight scene has progressed to a computer-enhanced, gravity-defying ensemble of death-defying stunts and hamstring-defying martial arts.  As each film seeks to raise the bar again filmmakers are left desperate to find some new way to repackage one guy getting his ass kicked by another.

Sometimes this results in contrived, ridiculous scenarios (see Die Hard series) that pit grossly outmatched protagonists (see Karate Kid series) against pernicious, melodramatic villains (see anything by John Woo) and then bore us with long, pseudo-artistic sequences (see anything by Zack Snyder… or John Woo again for that matter) and stilted, prosaic banter (see Star Wars movies).

But sometimes they also get it right.  When all of the elements come together you’re left with an unforgettable struggle that stays with you forever.  Below are the ten that I painstakingly chose to represent the peak examples of this art form.

 #10) Madame Rose’s Restaurant 

The Movie: The Protector

The Hero: A man in search of the elephant he loves.

Opponent: 30 Gangsters wielding everything from chairs to vases to the kitchen sink.

The Setting: A 5 story restaurant with a circular stair going all the way up to the main bad guy.

The Weapon: Superhuman stamina

So awesome that he has to keep his
hands tied to hold back the fury.

Tony Jaa is an enigmatic virtuoso in the world of martial arts film.  His Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior showed enormous promise and in his follow up, The Protector (American Title) Jaa demonstrated some of the most forward thinking and impressive stunt work ever captured on film.  His promising career is currently sputtering through a misguided trilogy building on his debut film but teamed with the right director, Jaa could produce films to compete with the pantheon of legends in the martial-arts genre.

The Protector is chocked full of spectacular fights and stunts with pathetic attempts at story in between and the supremacy of the scene I’ve chosen here is certainly debatable.  There are several other sequences in the film where he demonstrates more impressive skills.  The significance of this scene, however, is that it all takes place in a single cut.

In one continuous camera shot, Tony Jaa marches up five flights of stairs while taking out a horde of Bruce-Lee style one-at-a-time villains.  The sequence is an exquisite choreography of stunts, dangerous pratfalls, breakaway props, ferocious knees, amazing acrobatics and unbelievable stamina.

 #9) Neo v. Agent Smith (Pre-milking it to death) 

The Movie: The Matrix

The Hero: An actor whose career would have been a punch line if not for this movie.

Opponent: A really geeky looking guy who nevertheless manages to seem like a badass.

The Setting: A subway stop in some virtual quasi-world where otherwise cheesy 70’s kung-fu flick moves are both possible and awesome.

The Weapon: Cheesy 70’s kung-fu flick moves.

"I knew I shouldn't have used the slow motion bullets!"

The brilliance of the Matrix films was the story's ability to allow us to fully suspend the disbelief that makes impossible stuff seem impossible.  By setting the movie in “The Matrix”, the directors allowed us to sit back and enjoy the same wire walking nonsense that we scoff at in poorly dubbed Kung-Fu Theater stuff.

The film culminates in a show down (complete with tumbleweed-esque newspaper blowing by before they draw their shooters) between the trilogy's everyman hero and the elf with the big forehead from Lord of the Rings.  This scene swims in terrible dialogue and cliché exchanges but it manages to offer us the same old thing with a new enough skin to force audiences to sit up and take notice.

 #8) Duel of the Fates 

The Movie: Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace

The Heroes: Two guys who have been dying to go all Jedi on somebody.

Opponent: The only good thing about Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

The Setting: Some laser filled Mall of America that would really benefit from handrails.

The Weapons: Three or four light sabers, depending on how you look at it.

Pictured: Intergalactic can of whoop ass.

In the film era that will probably be best remembered for the incessant raping and pillaging of every thing I loved from childhood, George Lucas led the way by actually raping and pillaging himself.  His effort to expand upon the iconic trilogy that defined my generation was a failure unless you use money as your metric.

The Phantom Menace comes in at about 133 minutes and about 116 of those are pretty dull.  The majority of his fan base would say that he got most everything wrong in this first installment but there is one thing to which virtually all of them give their approval:  The villain.

Keeping in mind that Lucas was trying to create a villain that could compete with Darth Vader, perhaps the most quintessentially villainous character ever conceived, it is almost unimaginable that he would have hit upon a villain that would be universally endorsed from mother’s basements all across the country.  Darth Maul manages it by mixing one part ninja with two parts Lucifer and might well have saved the entire movie if they’d written in a part where he disemboweled Jar-Jar Binks.

 #7) Showdown at the House of Blue Leaves 

The Movie: Kill Bill, Volume I

The Heroine: (BLOOOOOP)*

Opponent: 88 sword-wielding bodyguards, a mace wielding personified fetish and the head of the Tokyo criminal underground.

The Setting: The same oriental restaurant where 36% of martial arts battles take place.

The Weapon: The finest sword ever made by a man.

*Beatrix Kiddo

"Alright guys, one at a time like we practiced..."

In Tarantino’s two-part homage to cheesy seventies fight scenes it is little surprise that we find a gem worthy of this list.  In a work marked by epic and brilliantly edited karate sequences, the sword fight between Uma Thurman’s character and the “Crazy 88” clearly stands above the rest.

This scene was so violent that large parts of it had to be shown in black and white.  Several times in the movie leading up to this fight, Tarantino deliberately desensitizes the audience to the thought of sudden amputations and beheadings.  He does so with the device of laughably exaggerated spurts of blood that constantly remind the movie-goer that this is all just make believe.

By doing so, he allows himself to guide us through the death and/or dismemberment of nearly one hundred nameless “bad guys”.  In a scene that might have been stomach turning in the hands of a lesser director (and still probably was stomach turning to some viewers) Tarantino manages to deftly shepherds us through the violence, constantly teetering on the edge of too much without going over.

 #6) The Battle of Carthage (Reenactment) 

The Movie: Gladiator

The Hero: The General who became a slave, the slave who became a gladiator, the gladiator who defied an Emperor.

Opponent: A mounted regiment complete with chariots

The Setting: The Coliseum (yeah, that one)

The Weapon: Generic Hero cries like “Stay together!” and “Hold the line!” (also swords)

+2 Points for epic helmet as well.

Narrowly edging out the scene with the tigers, the third gladiatorial scene in Ridley Scott’s magnum opus makes my list through a combination of originality, beautiful cinematography and nail-biting editing.  It also helps that it has history’s best “guy throwing a sword to another guy who’s on a horse” shot.

This scene takes place shortly after our hero arrives in Rome with the instruction to impress the crowd in order to get close to his nemesis, the Emperor.  He also has to kill a bunch of well-armored chicks on horses.  This is kind of like being asked to perform your piano recital on a stage filled with hungry alligators but Russell Crowe manages it in an epic display of badassery that almost makes you forget how bad Virtuosity was.

 #5) It’s Like Popeye Only With Booze Instead of Spinach 

The Movie: The Legend of the Drunken Master (American Title)

The Hero: Jackie Chan; two parts Bruce Lee, one part Buster Keaton.

Opponent: A bunch of those guys who never learned to work as a team.

The Setting: The middle of a Chinese village with no local ordinance against public drunkenness.

The Weapon: Grandpa’s Cough Syrup.

Pictured: Awesomeness.

I’ve actively avoided turning this into a list of the greatest Jackie Chan scenes.  In my opinion, one would be fully justified in littering five or six of his mind-bending works of impossibility in any list of history’s greatest fight scenes.  But in an effort to be more inclusive, I’ve forced myself to choose only one of the many deserving scenes in his storied career.

Other major contenders included the ladder fight from First Strike, the warehouse scene in Rumble in the Bronx, the Street Fighter II homage in City Hunter and virtually every time he throws a kick in Legend of the Drunken Master.  I used this dilemma as an excuse to rewatch a number of my favorite Jackie fights before ultimately settling on this one.

I chose it because more than any other single fight scene in his career, this scene exemplifies both his superhuman physical abilities and the cross-cultural appeal of his sense of humor.  By combining the two he creates an extraordinary battle against a few generic goons who quickly degenerate into biological punching bags as his powers of drunkenness grow.

#4) Quiet Man Ain’t So Quiet Now, Is He?

The Movie: The Quiet Man

The Hero: John-Freaking-Wayne

Opponent: A dude who has been asking for it since he was introduced.

The Setting: Pretty much all of Ireland.

The Weapon: Righteous fury.

"How do you say 'Bring It' in Irish?"

While this scene lacks the split second timing and cinematic fireballs we associate with fight scenes today, the beautiful backdrop and cutting edge cinematography earn it a spot in my top ten.  Even viewed through today’s critical lens it earns points for brutality, scope and the too-often forgotten part where it actually fits in with the story and has anything to do with anything.

I often fault those who assemble lists of “The Greatest ___ In Movie History” for force-fitting classic movies into places they don’t belong.  This “toss the old folks a bone” strategy is usually disingenuous and ignores the fact that filmmaking is such a young and fast evolving art form.  In other words, Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have Alfred Hitchcock’s shoulders to stand on.

With that being said, in the context of the film itself and for the profound effect that it had on future fight scenes (depending on who you ask), John Wayne kicking the crap out of Red from one side of Ireland to the other is well deserving of its place in my top 5.  I’m not saying it couldn’t have been improved if Victor McLaglen’s character hadn’t had a posse of ninja’s with flaming katanas that the Duke had to fight off with laser-nunchaku, but it’s still a really good scene.

 #3) The Long Distance Sword Fight 

The Movie: Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Hero: James Bond with a PhD and a bullwhip.

Opponent: A big dude with an impressive scimitar that may or may not be compensating for something.

The Setting: A place with a lot of sand and dust.

The Weapon: Vastly superior to that scimitar.

Technically counts as a fight scene.

Perhaps the quintessential American movie hero, Indiana Jones is a geeky academic by day and a womanizing adventurer by night… and often also by day.  Known for his clinical obsession with his hat, his extreme phobia of snakes and having only a right hook in his arsenal of physical attacks, Indiana Jones is so iconic that even his silhouette looks heroic.

The fight scene in question is by far the briefest of any on the list.  In the midst of a chase scene through one of those dusty desert villages the franchise would become known for, Indy is confronted with a large, angry dude spinning a scimitar around in just such a way as to say, “Hey look, I know how to use this scimitar.”

In what may be the second best example of America’s unique brand of heroism, Indiana Jones draws his pistol and shoots the guy before he gets within twenty feet of him.  This scene is rumored to be an improvisation that Harrison Ford dreamed up after several unsuccessful attempts to film a scene in which Dr. Jones would pull the sword from the antagonist's hand with his trusty whip.  Whether or not this is true, even the rumor makes the scene that much more awesome.

 #2) “Rules?  In a Knife Fight?” 

The Movie: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

The Hero: The reason why “Butch” means manly.

Opponent: A guy way bigger than Butch.

The Setting: A showdown for leadership of the gang.

The Weapon: Resourcefulness and literalism.

Butch Cassidy shown here with a guy that proves you
can be ferocious even if you have a My Little Pony name.

Sadly, many of my readers will not be familiar with this scene.  Like my choice for number three, it is a brief exchange that defines the American version of a hero.   It takes place toward the opening of the film and thus it would take only a few minutes to watch it, but you would then be all but guaranteed to have to watch the whole movie so even just this tidbit could wind up costing you a couple of hours.

This one once again lacks the kung fu and wall walking we have come to expect from a fight scene.  Instead, it relies only on wit and brilliant dialogue.  So brilliant was the banter that is has been rivaled only once since Butch Cassidy debuted in 1969.

 #1) “I’m Not Left Handed Either.” 

The Movie: The Princess Bride

The Hero: Take your pick.

The Villain: The fact that the scene couldn’t be longer.

The Setting: The rocky remains of some old fort.

The Weapon: Deftly guided swords, ambidexterity, one-liners

"Which one is the Man in Black?"

In this rare mixture of brilliant swordsmanship and unparalleled in-fight dialogue, two of Hollywood’s most memorable characters face off in a sword fight that is truly deserving of the top spot on this list.  Even before the fight begins the banter between Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black endears the audience to both contenders.  When the two square off we are not sure if either is hero or villain.

The script is so good throughout that it would be easy to overlook the brilliance of the actual fight choreography.  Either element may well have stood on its own but combined together they form a harmony that could all but define perfection in film.

It’s interesting to note that the number one and two scenes on my list come from the same brilliant screenwriter.  William Goldman has proven himself to be something of a national treasure when it comes to originality in filmmaking.  His characters and stories serve to remind us on occasion that there are still things Hollywood can offer that we’ve not yet seen.

Keep ‘em coming, William… only no more of this Hearts of Atlantis nonsense.

Aaron Davies

www.blognoscor.blogspot.com


PS I apologize to my fast acting and astute readers that saw this blog before 6:48 pm est.  After a quick reread I saw 10 grammatical and/or spelling errors that needed corrected.  Blognoscor readers deserve better than that and thus as penance I will be slapping myself repeatedly for 10 days.  Oh, and I corrected those errors... hard to do when one is slapping oneself.