Judging by the thrust of contemporary literature the nation is undergoing a radical and potentially dangerous social change. The rising pervasiveness of American teenagers dating vampires has not been considered worthy of coverage in the mainstream media. By drawing attention to it I risk being labeled a Nasfaratist, but I think it’s important that we’re able to look at the real world consequences of America’s daughters dating these accursed, bloodthirsty abominations.
I urge you to pass this useful list along to any teenage girls that you fear might be in danger of succumbing to the courtship of the damned. You may be the only thing that stands between her and the undead.
And to all those teenagers in trouble that this list has been forwarded to, I urge you to read through these items with an open mind. I know that vampires are all the rage at the moment and their mysterious ways can be alluring, but it is vital that you understand the potential dangers that you face.
#1) They’re F@#& ing Vampires
If I told you about an antelope friend of mine that was dating a lion, you would probably predict trouble down the road. Movies, TV shows and books that make Denny’s menus look like literature will have you believing that vampires are sexy. They often portray the vampire as the victim, robbed of their mercy and cursed to take human life and drink blood.
Now, I’m not a vampire so I can’t say that stereotype isn’t true. I know that once in a blue moon I spare a thought for the poor weasel that gave his life so that I could get my McNuggets, but that doesn’t stop me from eating them. I’m sure there is a vampire equivalent of a vegetarian, one hyper sensitive that really doesn’t like killing people, but that would be more like dating a vegetarian than dating a vampire.
Teenage girls already have enough things to worry about on a first date. Being desanguinated shouldn’t have to be one of them.
#2) They're Usually Racists
Remember that just because a vampire looks to be the same age as you, odds are that they are older than your grandparents. I think that we can all agree that old people have a tendency to get stuck in their ways and the ways of a hundred or more years ago were pretty darned racist.
Despite how inherently bigoted this statement sounds, I think it is safe to say that most vampires are racist on a deep level. Despite the changes of the society around them, their relative isolation would probably shield them from the greater impetus that led to our more liberal modern views on ethnicity.
It’s important to note that vampires come from all over the world as well. Odds are good that they will be racist in ways that don’t make sense to you at all. The result is that you are hit with the double whammy of embarrassment. At the same time that you’re slinking away from his bigoted tirade your also left wondering how the hell he knew that guy was Armenian.
#3) Late Afternoon Life is Under Rated
People are always talking about the nightlife. I’m not going to try to convince anyone that clubs, raves, parties and bars aren’t fun but I think we all know that they can’t form the backbone of a serious long-term relationship.
Sure, you can take your vampire boyfriend to the movies, but can you take him to the beach? Do you like picnics? Hope you don’t mind hiking in moonlight. Do you like amusement parks? Hope you don’t mind enjoying them two hours at a time. Do you like to take trips with your lover? Hope you understand that the TSA frowns on checking coffins as baggage.
#4) Vampires are Bums
I should preempt the charges of Draculism by allowing that I don’t blame vampires for their chronic unemployment. It’s hard to get a job when you explode in sunlight and don’t have proper ID. Anything that requires a college education beyond DeVry is pretty much out of the question as is any job that requires a blood test of new employees.
Vampires have a lower cost of living than humans but they still have expenses. Rent isn’t cheaper just because you don’t use the house in the daytime. That’s assuming that your new vampire boyfriend isn’t homeless or living in a crypt, of course. New clothes, utilities, dental work… the money has to come from somewhere and your new boyfriend is probably hitting his glass ceiling on overnight drive through.
#5) Vampires are Just Looking for One Thing
Not to put this indelicately, but if a vampire isn’t after you to suck your blood, there’s only one other thing that could be on his mind. He’s probably at least a century old and not to insult your maturity girls, but there’s nothing coming out of your mouth that he hasn’t heard before. You’re not providing him any meaningful companionship because it’s impossible that either of you share significant common interests.
This isn’t anything wrong with you and it isn’t anything wrong with him. It’s the same reason that you don’t see twenty-year-old women marrying seventy-year-old men unless they’re really wealthy. They just don’t have anything in common.
So if the vampire isn’t looking for companionship and he isn’t looking for sustenance, just ask yourself what he is looking for and act accordingly.
#6) All His Friends Would be Emo
You’ve probably already noticed that when you date somebody you end up spending an awful lot of time with their friends. It’s almost like you’re dating the friends as well. Now, if this is true of humans, it is all the more so true of vampires. Odds are that most of the time you spend together will be the time that your friends usually spend sleeping. This means that if you’re hanging out with friends it will most often be his friends.
And what kind of friends do vampires have? Other vampires, goth chicks and emo kids. Now, I’m not going to disparage emo kids because I couldn’t possibly do a better job of it than they do themselves, but ask yourself how much time you want to spend hanging out with people that cut themselves recreationally and perpetually look down.
And of course, that’s assuming that his friends aren’t vampires that lack the critical affection that he has for you and eat you.
#7) You’re Going to Break Up Eventually
The whole reason that we date is to get to know somebody and see if we want to spend more of our time with them. It’s like an extended job interview for companionship. We all go into relationships knowing that they’re probably not going to end with a “happily ever after” and but for the aforementioned emo kids, we accept that.
But I’m sure most girls know that there are some boyfriends who just don’t get the message when things are over. All too many girls are familiar with the clingy, obsessive ex-boyfriend who actively ignores the vigorous hints and restraining orders you send out to tell him that the relationship is over.
Now imagine that he’s a bloodsucking vampire.
PS No penguins were harmed in the writing of this blog. I pretty much beat the crap out of every other species you can think of.